Mediation: Taking control of the "third-third" of life
by Leslie Hoffman, June 16, 2015
We all think we'll be independent forever. But look around. Beyond the glamorous seniors in television commercials, walking hand-in-hand toward the sunset, dreaming about the little blue pill that awaits them, the third-third of most peoples' lives is not quite so perfect. We can't control everything. But we can take the time to think through how we want to live the rest of our lives and communicate our wishes to the people who would be helpful in making it so.
Many people put off talking with their loved ones about the future until it's beyond their control. Widowhood, divorce, illness, forced retirement, and financial reversals are all possibilities. But poor or no planning will result in a difficult time for family members - breeding and fueling family discord. So while you're still in vibrant health and have a recognizably sound mind, and are willing to at least listen to other ideas and opinions, plan the "family talk".
Even if you're brave and confident enough to begin the conversation, it doesn't necessarily go well. Your adult daughter, the practical one, wants to build a wing on her home and take you in as soon as construction is complete. She's convinced that it is in your best interest. Your long-distance son wants to find the best care facility and ensconce you there, because he's certain you wouldn't want to be a burden on any of your children. Your third child, the baby of the family, wants to find the best in-home care person, because she's positive that you would want to stay in your own home at any cost - and besides, big brother can pay for it.
What do you want? Is it reasonable? Is it manageable, financially and otherwise? What will it take to make it happen? Will your children carry out your wishes or continue to fight about the decision? Do you know the answers?
Family conversations often have complicated dynamics. Members separated by time zones, the demands of raising their own families, challenging jobs and conflicted relationships with their parents or siblings can be pulled in too many directions to have the energy to initiate discussions on uncomfortable topics.
How do aging parents cross the communication gap and strengthen their relationships in the process? And how do adult children, living the second-third of their lives, do what's right for their parents and their children? Preserving relationships is important and mediation is a constructive way to resolve conflicts.
Family mediation is a confidential problem-solving process in which the parties collaborate to develop solutions. A mediator helps family members identify issues and voice their individual concerns without pointing fingers. Mediation is neither therapy nor counseling, but it is designed to solve problems by helping a family talk in a safe, supportive and constructive atmosphere.
Knowing the right questions to ask and how to ask them are areas where experienced mediators are invaluable. When everyone has played a part in the discussion, and solutions are found, decisions are more likely to be supported in the long haul. A successful mediation helps parties find new ways of managing conflict and negotiating solutions far into the future.
The third-third of your life should be spent the way you choose. The quality of the planning and communication you put into it will ensure that it is.
